It helps to inquire into our thoughts, beliefs, desires, expectations, hopes and fears, longings and so on. We may have to do it many times. I know I have to. After one inquiry, you get some insight, some understanding which helps you deal with a situation you’re going through. But a time comes when another situation arises and it requires another inquiry and there is more insight, more understanding, more freedom, more acceptance.
The surface details, the where and when and who and how of each situation may appear different but you might find it sets off the same kind of reactions within you – fear, anxiety, anger, worry, helplessness, frustration and so on. Once again, you inquire into it without judging it or yourself. A very gentle, spacious, open and compassionate inquiry. Something like this:
How am I feeling right now?
What am I thinking?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I think this way?
What am I believing about myself?
What am I believing about the other person, thing?
Why do I believe this?
Am I certain that what I believe and think is true?
If I stripped this event down to its bare facts, what would I see? In other words, if I stripped this event off my interpretations, my attitude, my memory of past experiences with this person/thing and with other people/things, my beliefs about them, my expectations, what would I see?
What are the bare facts?
She said ‘I think you’re being unfair’. She walked away. I stood staring at her. I felt angry. I thought: How ungrateful you are! I thought: You have no idea how much effort I have put into making things as comfortable and as easy for you. I thought: And this is how you say thanks!
I became more angry. I remembered things I had done for her over many years. The more I remembered, the more angry I got. I am feeling angry now thinking about it. I am angry because I believe that she is ungrateful.
Do I know for a fact that she is ungrateful? No.
I am angry because I put in a lot of effort for her. Why did I put in a lot of effort for her? Because I wanted to be nice. Because I love her. Is she obliged to feel my nice-ness? No. Can I love her and be angry with her at the same time? No. How do I express love for her? By not being angry with her, toward her. By not expecting her to respond in a certain way. By accepting her.
Is it okay for me to feel angry? Yes. Who is responsible when I feel angry? Me. Who or what has caused the anger? Me, my expectations, my beliefs, the way I see things and the conclusions I draw. Is this helpful to me? No, not at all. Who or what needs to change? I do. Does she need to change? That’s not for me to decide. I can only make decisions for myself.
Am I still angry with her? A little. Am I able to let go of my expectations of her? A little. Does it feel better when I do? Yes. Do I want her to be punished in some way? Feel the kind of pain that I’m feeling? I did before but not so much now.
Do I need her to be grateful in order for me to be happy? That’s what I believe but I can see it’s not really valid or useful. I don’t want my happiness to depend on that.
What would I really, deeply like to feel? Peace. Where does peace come from? From within me. Will I give myself permission to feel peace? Yes. Will I give it now? Yes. I allow myself to feel peace.
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