Here’s a little question for you.
What’s the one thing that would most help you handle your fears, anxiety, sense of powerlessness, helplessness, despair, depression or whatever it is that troubles you so terribly? Is it
- Trying your best to avoid it
- Hoping you never again experience it
- Knowing (as in feeling in the very core of you) that you are able to handle, survive and thrive from it?
I once worked with a man who was convinced his partner was having an affair. She denied it. But he could not get it out of his mind. The relationship had deteriorated to a point where they went from avoidance to outbursts of rage on his part. He knew he had to do something different when his latest outburst involved throwing a glass across the room.
At this stage, he had already been working with me for a few weeks. His tacit agenda was to try to influence his partner by changing his behaviour and what and how he communicated with her.
At the same time, he wanted to see changes in his partner, otherwise what would be the point of the changes that he was prepared to make. That was his reasoning.
Of course he never said this in so many words but we both understood that this was what he wanted.
I began by helping him experience brief moments of peace and of self-acceptance through both Mindfulness meditation and an understanding (and some experience) of the two realities that we live in –
- the body-based, personality, conditioned reality we mostly identify with and which we call ‘I’ and
- the non-physical, transcendent, timeless, limitless and unconditioned reality that we get glimpses of every now and again in our most unguarded and unexpected moments and which may be called Love, God, Spirit, the Divine…
Following the latest eruption however, I felt he might be ready for a rather radical next step – contemplation.
Now, contemplation is generally considered a most benign and even soothing form of meditation. And yet, depending on what the subject matter is, it can be most threatening to the Ego.
This is why contemplation should only ever be attempted when the mind is in a state of tranquility. In fact, it is more accurate to say that contemplation can only happen when the mind is in a state of tranquility.
So what was this most threatening subject matter that I would ask him to contemplate?
His partner being intimate with the man he believed she was having an affair with.
Now, although his initial response was one of shock, he had by now come to trust both me and his meditation practice.
Mindfully, he was able to contemplate this most distasteful possibility. I won’t go into more detail but the long and short of it was that he found it a liberating experience.
It opened him to insights and realizations about himself and his partner that he had never thought possible. In fact, the experience was so powerful it resulted in a number of things.
The first was that the fear of losing his partner lost its grip on him.
Better yet, and most astonishing for him, was being able to appreciate that the intimacy that he believed his partner was sharing with another man had loving aspects to it. Now that was truly mind-blowing for him!
How could something that he considered so ‘wrong’ and ‘unfair’ actually have elements of love, joy and beauty in it?
This began to change his perception of his partner and his construal of the whole situation.
The other thing that happened was that he decided to register for a 10-day Vipassana meditation course.
Having experienced the transformational power of Mindfulness meditation and contemplation over such a short period of time in our journey together and through such a painful and Ego-threatening situation, he knew that it was just the beginning of a life of greater freedom and unconditional joy for him. He was inspired to taste more through the 10-day retreat in America where he lives.
Before I conclude this part of my post, I want to make it clear that the program I took him on was specifically tailored for him. Being the kind of person he was and the relationship we had cultivated, I was confident that he would be ready for what I was guiding him into.
I would not recommend this for everyone indiscriminately.
That said, one of the traditional practices of the Buddhist tradition is the contemplation of death.
Knowing that we have the ability (and we all have this ability) to handle any situation is so much more empowering than simply wishing it away or going to great and often painful lengths to avoid it.
And now, returning to the question that I began this post with, what was your answer?
I hope it was C :). Why?
Because knowing that we have the ability to handle any situation is so much more empowering than simply hoping it away or going to great and often painful lengths to avoid it. And we all have this ability.
How each one of us taps into this knowing and this ability we have may differ for each one of us.
Meanwhile, Mindfulness meditation is proving to be one of the most powerful and time-tested ways of helping us reach into the deeper truth and potential of who and what we truly are.
It is this experience of being who and what we truly are, knowing it in such a real and undeniable way that helps us respond with greater calm, power and confidence in any Ego-threatening situation we encounter.
Mindfulness practice is the doorway to having this experience and getting into this state of knowing again and again and again.
I am not suggesting that Mindfulness meditation on its own is sufficient to help us overcome our worst fears and states of powerlessness (although it could be for some people).
Most of us need other strategies and skills as well as a certain amount of foundational information to support our Mindfulness practice and we can acquire this through the guidance of an experienced other.
But no amount of intellectual understanding and skills and strategies will ever give us what the actual experience of one’s self – both the Ego, body-based, conditioned self as well as the timeless, unconditioned, boundless Self – gives us.
And what is that?
It is Truth. And in that Truth, freedom from all suffering.
MENTORING
Let Life express itself intoxicatingly, uniquely, powerfully and limitlessly in, as and through you. Don’t settle, whatever your age. Know your true Self. Follow your Bliss. Live the Life that you know you want to! Contact me here.
MINDFULNESS ONLINE
Join me every week to sit in the presence of your true Self and experience the greatness of Life flowing naturally, effortlessly and powerfully in, as and through you!