I hate it when I plan a conversation with someone in my head and they don’t follow the damn script
so-relatable.tumblr.com
Not so long ago, I happened to observe a situation where a carer of a 14-year old boy was at her wit’s end. The teenager had been in a dark space for some time and had been rude, was refusing to cooperate, was unrestrained with expletives and condemnations and essentially giving her a hard time.
I suppose you could say it was to be expected. He had, after all, been shunted and shoved from pillar to post from a very young age folloing the separation of his parents and their inability to care for him.
His carer had tried her hardest to ^explain^ things to him, to get him to change his behavior, to be more resposible and polite and helpful but it wasn’t working. I can just feel the nods and pangs of empathy that those parents among you are experiencing right now as you read this :).So, what do you do? Seriously, what do you do?
You CHANGE THE SCRIPT.
What script?
The script that is scrolling through your mind. That well-rehearsed script, some of the content of which you may have inherited from your parents and teachers and significant others.
What???? Change the script in MY head??? I’m not the one with the problem!
You’re not???? Well, in the scenario I described, it’s clear that the carer, C, was not having a good time at all. In fact, she was so angry and frustrated. Understandably. It seemed like she was not getting through no matter how hard she tried and no matter how *loving* her intentions were.
When someone in a relationship seeks my help because their partner is not what they want and *need* them to be, one of the first things that I help them understand is that they are the ones experiencing the problem.
That doesn’t mean that their partner is not experiencing a problem too. Of course they are. However, it is the one who comes to me who is both experiencing the problem AND attempting to do something about it! And that is a very powerful position to be in.
The next thing I get them to do is to recognize the SCRIPT that both they and their partner are engaged in. And, need I tell you, it is a well-rehearsed script, so faithfully executed each time. All the responses are anticipated and prepared for:). And this performance could go on for years until…someone (you), decides to change the Script!
Why would you be insane enough to keep repeating that Script and expecting a different outcome? And btw, let me assure you, I’ve been totally and utterly insane having done my share of Script execution big time! I’ve been on that stage for a large chunk of my life and would be a multimillionnaire today if I’d been paid for every performance 🙂
Now changing the Script is not just changing the WORDS. UH UH. Nope.
Changing the Script means CHANGING YOUR THINKING AND CHANGING YOUR
FEELINGS! Which invariably means CHANGING YOUR BELIEFS.…especially your beliefs about….no…not your partner (that will happen almost automatically) but about YOURSELF!
And that, my Gorgeous, Amazing Travel Companion, is where it really is all ABOUT YOU, BY YOU and FOR YOU! And no, not in a selfish way but in a truly loving way!
Yee Ha!!!
In Love, Lucy
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