In the Buddhist tradition, the conditioned mind is often referred to as the ‘monkey’ mind. Why? Well, for several reasons, one of which is that it is never still, always jumping from one thought to another, swinging from one emotional state to another.
Now I do not know whether monkeys lack awareness of what they are doing as they swing from branch to branch but I can say for certain that most of us thought-swing with little awareness, little ‘mindfulness’ if you like. Instead, our attention is rapidly absorbed into the thought or feeling that has just streamed through our mind. And in this absorption (or obsession), we perpetuate old stories, relive old dramas and imagine new ones, most of which takes us down a spiral of increasing powerlessness, lack of confidence in ourselves and loss of faith in the inherent goodness of life itself.
But this monkey mind of ours (and I sincerely apologize to the monkeys of this planet or any other for that matter for using a metaphor that appears to insult them. That is definitely not my intention) does not stop there.
The monkey mind or conditioned mind is inclined to look for specialness within itself.
This monkey mind or conditioned mind is inclined to look for specialness within itself. It is prone to unique-ifying (yes, new word I just made up) a particular condition that it claims to be suffering from.
One such condition is ‘perfectionism’. My monkey mind likes to think that unlike most other people, I am a perfectionist. And although I might use an apologetic tone when I refer to my perfectionism or even an angry or frustrated tone, there is an aspect of my monkey mind that is actually proud of my perfectionism.
And even if you were to tell me that you too have this ‘perfectionist’ trait, my monkey mind silently says something to the effect of ‘My perfectionism is far more superior and intense than yours’.
Let’s be honest. Have you ever claimed to be a perfectionist without feeling some kind of pride or uniqueness about yourself? Have you ever talked about your perfectionism as you would about a terribly embarrassing moment in your life?
People are so desperate to feel ‘special’, to feel ‘unique’, to be seen to be different from the rest.
We hate being lumped into the same category as Mary who sits quietly at her desk, not terribly attractive and not the ‘go-to’ person at the office.
We go to great lengths to acquire a taste for a certain kind of music or cuisine or lifestyle or champion a certain cause or create a certain legacy or develop a particular expertise in our (sometimes unconscious) attempt to distinguish ourselves from others.
We don’t want to be seen as a follower of the latest fashion even when we do follow the latest fashion. We’re always looking to distinguish ourselves from the crowd, not necessarily in a loud and obvious way, but certainly in some way.
So we look for something ‘different’ – that handbag or phone that’s ‘different’, that shoe that’s a bit ‘different’, that hairstyle that’s a bit ‘different’…And of course, every sales person or service provider will feed your monkey ego by assuring you how ‘different’ that thing really makes you.
We resent it when people think of us as ‘just tourists’ and not the unique, special people that we really are when we visit their country (although we don’t at all mind the fuss they may make over us just because we are tourists).
We want to be recognized for our brilliance or some unique talent we have and if we believe we don’t have such a talent or that we’ve milked it dry, then we’ll find a ‘fault’ within us that we can make a talent out of. Like our ‘perfectionism’ or our ‘unworthiness’ or our ‘illness’ or our ‘phobia’…
We even want people to see that our illness or emotional or mental distress or ‘disease’ is different to other people’s even though it may share the same name. So we seek professionals who will tell us as much. We get mighty irritated and indignant should someone dare to tell us that our condition is no different to anyone else’s. Our monkey mind would jump up and down furiously, thumping its chest in a rage and go absolutely mental at such a suggestion.
‘You don’t understand ME! You don’t get ME! You haven’t got a clue about ME! You obviously don’t see how different I am to others! You clearly don’t get how much I am suffering in MY unique way! You cannot possibly understand how MY perfectionism is so different to yours and to anybody else’s!’
(Be assured, I speak of all of these from personal experience and observation :))
But, as the experienced Meditation practitioner and the person who shared the Vipassana meditation practice with the world, Goenka, says: Anger is anger, wherever you come from, whoever you are.
So, the question to ask is:
Why? Why is my monkey mind so desperate to be different? To be seen as special? As unique?
And note, I say ‘my monkey mind’ rather than ‘I’. In other words, I am referring to the common monkey mind that we all possess rather that the unique expression of ‘I’ that we naturally and unconditionally are.
Do you get that? Because therein lies the answer.
You are not special, whether in your greatness or in your pitifulness
The monkey mind is common to everyone and is the same in everyone. The only apparent differences are the stories and their details through which the mind has been conditioned. But the conditioning is the same.
Fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, doubt, unworthiness, perfectionism…all of these are the SAME throughout human kind. Each of us acts them out differently due to our particular circumstances and our history but the conditioning itself is the same.
There is nothing unique or special about anger, doubt, unworthiness, perfectionism, cancer, cough, indigestion…Not until you attach the prefix ‘MY’ to it and attempt to make it your badge of specialness.
On the other hand, you, as an expression of life, unscripted and unconditioned are unique. There isn’t another like you.
You have not had to do anything, acquire anything, malfunction in any particular way, be transformed, become enlightened, have mystical or supernatural powers in order to be the unique YOU that you are. You are by nature unique.
So what makes you unique? If your uniqueness or specialness or point of true difference is not the result of your monkey mind and its behaviors and proclivities, then what makes YOU unique?
Before I answer that question, let’s just pause here for a moment. Let’s first ask this question:
Why do I want so much to be unique? To be special? To have my own special talent or gift or brilliance or unsolvable problem or condition or situation?
Think about that for a moment. Please, just give yourself some time to think about this. I shall share my thoughts in another post.
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