Today is my birthday. In anticipation of my birthday, my son called me on skype yesterday. Among other things, he shared his recent ‘downturn’ – a temporary slide down the slope of feeling alone and being rattled by it.
When I spoke to my son last night, I told him about 2 things that I decided I would do or stop doing and how I made them NON-NEGOTIABLE. This was about 20 years ago.
One of them was that I would stop doing suffering. The other was that I would stop doing the ceaseless cycling in my head of thoughts and emotions whether good or bad, replaying dramas or rehearsing dreaded scenarios. Both of these were things that I had been doing for decades.
Those were critical decisions for me. As I look back on my life thus far, I can testify to the value of those decisions. They have freed me from a life of intense and unnecessary suffering and allowed me to be infinitely happier than I have ever been.
Now, these were not the only NON-NEGOTIABLES that I have made. Over the years, I have been inspired to make others as I have come to realize how certain habits and behaviours of mine until that point had been eroding my sense of wellbeing and happiness.
For instance, a more recent NON-NEGOTIABLE for me was that I would pick up stuff – dog hair, fluff or general and obvious bits of ‘rubbish’ from the floor as soon as I saw them. This was in contrast to walking by the ‘stuff’ several times in the day, feeling the irritation towards it but not doing anything about it. You see, I had become aware that not doing anything about it conflicted with my desire to keep my living space clean and tidy.
Another non-negotiable was that I would pay my bills on time or make alternative arrangements ahead of time if I could not pay them by the due date. This has been an especially significant, almost earth-shifting decision for me because you see, I had developed what I would say came close to a phobia around paying bills and, more generally around money. Making that decision has supported me in my desire to cultivate a healthy, loving and empowering relationship with money. The change for me has been massive.
And of course, another NON-NEGOTIABLE decision that I made some 15 years ago was the decision to practice meditation daily and make meditation my way of life. This decision has paid off in more ways than I can possibly list. In a nutshell, it has helped me maintain an increasingly peaceful, loving, joyous and empowered state of mind, something that clearly also benefited me physically.
Now, before I finish this post, let me make one thing clear. Just because I made these things NON-NEGOTIABLE, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel pain, that I don’t experience moments of suffering, that I don’t replay some thoughts and feelings and dramas in my mind. I most certainly do. Neither does it mean that I don’t ever get sucked into a bit of catastrophizing. I sometimes do.
The difference is, these experiences are far, far less frequent and I am almost instantly aware of them. Importantly, I am no longer afraid of them and I am able to, with a gentle awareness and attention,* allow for a different experience/feeling to arise spontaneously within me by asking the simple question, ‘How would I like to feel?’, And it always does – an experience/feeling that is more peaceful, joyous, powerful and loving.
(*To learn how to do this, go to Spiritual Exercise #4)
Also just because I made these things non-negotiable, it doesn’t mean that I am intolerant of situations which present them or that I am in a constant state of anticipation, ready to wage war against them. No way!
On the contrary, I maintain a gentle state of awareness which is tethered to my desire to keep my mind calm and peaceful. In this state of awareness, I don’t anticipate but observe and respond calmly. There are times when my response is immediate and times when they are intentionally delayed.
The point here is that these NON-NEGOTIABLE decisions, while they may sound oppressive and hard-lined, are not made in that spirit. Rather, they are associated with a deep and loving desire for peace and joy which are always the conscious (and increasingly unconscious/automatic) motivation/driver.
Give it some thought today. What are some ‘NON-NEGOTIABLES’ that you might lovingly introduce into your daily life?
As my son thoughtfully commented,
‘It’s not the doing part that is hard. It’s the thinking part that you have to get. Once you decide, the doing is not that hard at all’.
Try it for yourself. You will be amazed at how much more peaceful, joyous and effortless your life becomes!
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