There is a person I meet when I go to a certain gathering which used to be part of the Catholic church, that is until its priest was removed from his role for being so unorthodox (and more Christ-like in my opinion). Anyway, this person whom I shall call Fred, has a habit of giving women (including me) flowers, sometimes paper ones, sometimes single blooms that he’s picked on the way. He also asks us (and some men as well) to write down our email addresses in a little notebook or piece of paper that he might have at hand. And he tends to give us a hug.
The first time this happened, I was a little disconcerted. But as he was a regular and well-recognized member of the gathering, I thought that accepting a flower from Fred and giving him my email address (which I faked on the first occasion) was a small risk to take. When I received no emails from him despite having written down my email address countless times, I knew that I had nothing to be concerned about.
Fred has been selling The Big Issue for years. He speaks in a sort of staccato and blinks a lot. I have had a tendency to dismiss Fred as someone who didn’t have anything to say that would be of interest to me. I didn’t think that we could have a conversation that would be meaningful or enriching to me. It’s an unusual thing for me to admit to as I enjoy engaging with others – children, dogs, cats, people who don’t seem to be fully there/here, people with various forms of ‘disabilities’, people who have widely differing opinions and worldviews… But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized how dismissive I had been of Fred.
Yes, of course I would greet him and sincerely ask how he was doing but beyond that, I was not interested. Yesterday, after this not-a-catholic-church gathering, my friend, John, Fred and Jean (someone I was meeting for the first time) and I gathered for a coffee. Fred talked a lot. He spoke as if he were giving a talk, using expressions and sharing ideas that I would expect to hear in a more formal delivery. Yes, I admit, these are all MY impressions and that’s all I have to share right now. But, more than that, I also wish to share how I began really paying attention to what Fred had to say.
As I tried to listen with my heart, I heard a man who was sharing his life experiences in a way that he had learned to share them. I asked him questions based on what he shared. It paved the way for some revelations – about why he gives women flowers, about why he asks for their email addresses, about why he has not been interested in a relationship with a woman and about how he is so grateful to those people who have helped and supported him, sometimes just by listening.
Fred also talked about the future of our not-a-catholic-church and how we need to identify the deeper values that we share in order to sustain this moribund collection of people. As he talked, and although from time to time I wished he would talk less, I realized that beyond the façade of a big, clumsy, staccato-voiced, balding man was a soul of many experiences.
No, I wasn’t swept away by a drama of raw emotion or blinding insight. Neither was I overcome with guilt or remorse for having been so dismissive of Fred. But right now, I am appreciating my willingness to have really listened to Fred by pulling away the veil of judgment through which I had thus far encountered him.
And what do I now see?
Another human being trying to make sense of life. Trying to live the best way he knows how. In these ways, someone just like me. I cannot say any more than that although I am tempted to project other ideas and feelings like…
Someone seeking to be loved, appreciated and accepted.
The truth is, I really don’t know if that is true.
Psychology may tell me that this is what every human being desires. But in my encounter with Fred, I did not sense that. That doesn’t mean that Psychology is wrong. It just means that I did not sense it. Nothing more and nothing less.
And I feel no need to add to that or subtract from it. I am content with what is.
So, what happens when we stop judging?
Something as simple as ‘WHAT IS‘ shows up. And we have an opportunity to be okay with WHAT IS.
And when we use this opportunity, we free ourselves from the burden of WHAT SHOULD BE…
Pretty awesome actually.
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