Upon reflection, I can see that when I have been depressed, I have been the most self-absorbed while feeling most separated from life. At these times, there is a ‘me’ living in ‘my world’ into which I retreat deeper and deeper because the other world – the world ‘out there’ – is a world I can no longer handle.
And the deeper and longer I retreat into the world of ‘me’, the more separated I feel and the more unmanageable and unrelatable that other world becomes to me.
In the world of ‘me’, there are few options available and the number shrinks rapidly. The viability of the remaining few fades like a mirage upon close encounter. Soon, it feels like I have no options. I am stuck in this state of helplessness and hopelessness. This is the state I go to bed in and wake up to.
Somewhere in me, there is a sense that I want this to end and sometimes, it can get confused with ‘I want me to end’. But somehow, that blurred, lifeless ground upon which I am shriveling happens to have a crack through which a tiny sliver of light shines. Enough to let me see that I don’t want ‘me’ to end.
Slowly, I crawl out from the world of ‘me’, regaining in small amount the sense that the world of ‘me’ is not separated from the world ‘out there’.
That’s when the voices of those who have been watching over me, standing guard on my behalf in their loving and unobtrusive way, become audible again, a little more coherent again. It’s my cue to return to life, that it is safe after all, that the sense of separation I have been feeling has ended, or at least is not as irreconcilable as I had believed it to be.
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