A young man asked me recently about relationship and intimacy. Specifically, he wanted to know why I was not in a ‘relationship’ and whether I was perhaps fearfully avoiding one :).
Now, before I continue, let me just remind us that whatever is said or asked by someone is first and foremost a reflection of where they are in their thinking and awareness. Whether what they say or ask accurately reflects any aspect of the person they’re speaking to is another matter. It may or may not.
I was actually deeply appreciative of this young man, we’ll call him James, for asking me these questions. I was delighted that I was being given an opportunity to share some of my truths, my feelings, my understandings and my experiences with him and so I did.
Firstly, I said, I am not in a ‘romantic’ relationship because I have not yet bumped into someone who is resonating at a similar frequency :).
And what ‘frequency’ might that be?
Well, where I am right now, and indeed have been for several years, is where I am deeply and joyously happy and comfortable with myself.
I have experienced and continue to experience an ever expanding fullness, wholeness, limitlessness, joy, peace, excitement, and thrill about my ‘self’. Indeed, my sense of ‘self’ is no longer as tightly contained in an idea of who I am which includes my history, culture, beliefs, ideals, life experiences and aspirations.
Instead, increasingly, I experience myself as an aspect of an infinite, endless WHOLENESS or ALLNESS (or LOVE) in which other people and things are equally present and self-expressing.
In many of my other posts, I write about the ‘conditioned’ and ‘unconditioned self’ and I am saying that, increasingly, I experience and express more of my ‘unconditioned’ or natural self, rather than my ‘conditioned’ and ‘normal’ self. Not completely but increasingly.
That being the case, my motivation for wanting to be in a relationship in which I would explore and experience other WAYS of experiencing and expressing myself, in particular through physical intimacy, are different to what they were ten, fifteen and especially twenty or thirty years ago.
Back then, my motivations, albeit mostly unconscious, were to:
- Have someone who would ‘belong’ to me exclusively and for whom I would be prepared to ‘belong’ to exclusively
- Be loved unconditionally (even though I had no idea what that meant nor was I able to), so that, despite my many perceived ‘flaws’ (which I believed in completely but rarely owned up to and desperately tried to hide by relentlessly attacking and judging others), there would be at least one person who would accept me and love me always
- Be propped up and repeatedly told how wonderful and amazing and utterly good and loving and lovable I was (because I certainly could not do that for myself)
- Be told that without me, that person would be utterly miserable and that I meant everything to him (because I certainly didn’t feel my own value)
Now, however, my motivations for wanting to be in a ‘romantic’ relationship can be summed up rather simply in this statement:
I want to enjoy someone and be in a state that allows the other person to enjoy me as fully as we both are able to.
Really, it is as simple as that. I just want to be in bliss with someone, to have unimaginable fun with someone. That’s it.
The thing is, as I explained to young James, until I bump into someone resonating at a similar frequency, I intend to seriously enjoy myself in EVERY relationship that I currently have.
Now, while this may seem bizarre to you, I actually do mean EVERY relationship including the relationship that I have with my dog friend, my colleagues, my clients, my friends, my family, my laptop (and can I tell you heaps about this glorious relationship! Well, perhaps not heaps but just that it has been such a fun ride through some rather undesired events like dropping it, leaving it overseas and losing its charging functionality), my phone, the people I see as I walk, my neighbours, my kitchen, my food, my money, my body, my mind and so on. In short, EVERYTHING.
I have an attitude of intending to enjoy every one of these relationships and almost always, I do. Just to be clear, what do I mean by ‘enjoy’, as young James asked.
I mean to be at peace, to be open, to be available, to be receptive, to be free. Notice, all of these are not dependent on whether the other person or thing wants the same. All that is important is that I want them and I have chosen to experience them and so I do.
Quite simply, the way I would enter into a ‘romantic relationship is in response to a resonating frequency: ). But, until I encounter someone resonating at such a frequency, I am gloriously happy to continue being as happy as I am!
Okay, I hope that has helped explain things a little. On to James question about intimacy.
Don’t you think we are hardwired to seek intimacy not just so that we can be emotionally, mentally and physically naked and vulnerable but also for the purpose of procreation?
Great question!
In the past, I did have this need to be utterly vulnerable i.e. to bear my naked, imperfect self. Over the years, I have come to see that this need was fuelled by my belief that only by being vulnerable would I be loved. And the relationships that I had confirmed this.
Today, however, I have no such need, either to be vulnerable and expose or confess my imperfect self or to seek love from another. Why?
- Because I do not see myself as imperfect. I can see my ‘conditioned’ self as rife with imperfections that it has learned to create and recognize and thus judge. But I am also tuned into another transcendent, unconditioned, perfect, flawless, unscripted self (referred to also as our ‘Buddha nature’) and that is the self that I choose to identify with since it is real and true. Of this I have no doubt for I experience it deeply and consistently.
- Because this is the ‘self’ in which I feel deeply and intimately loved and cared for as I remain more and more aligned with it. In fact, not only do I feel deeply and intimately loved, I feel myself as such love and I therefore feel that I can increasingly be that ‘me’ in ALL my relationships and not just some. I can be the love that I naturally am and, increasingly, I am!
But don’t you think that a romantic/dedicated relationship can help you learn and grow and help the other person learn and grow? persisted James.
Absolutely, I do but SO DOES EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP. Every relationship is pregnant with that opportunity. And here is where our conditioning really does show its most evil i.e. IGNORANT or UNAWARE face.
You see, we have been conditioned to ‘save’ ourselves for that one, perfect person, that person in whom we will make the greatest and most ‘risky’ investment of our lives – bearing our soul and nobly giving up at least some of our freedoms.
(How often have we heard newlyweds or courting couples feign indignation or apology – ‘Oh, Steve will not let me go on my own to a bar’ or ‘I won’t stay out too long, Sue will be waiting’? Only to find the feigned indignation or apology assumes tones of resentment or fear months or years down the track? Yes, we give up our freedoms willingly because we believe they’re a good tradeoff for the things we believe we’ll get back in return to feed our wants and needs and subdue our fears)
And we have been conditioned to believe that when two people are prepared to make such an investment in each other, they are guaranteed to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t often work that way.
You see, it is a shaky investment to begin with, one underwritten by our neediness, weaknesses, fears and falsehoods about who and what we are.
Yet, it is true that many people, despite feeling the instability of, and paltry return on, their investment, will persevere in such a relationship using their children, their status, their parents, their friends, their job, their livelihood and even their strident claim of their ‘love’ for their partner as reasons to remain. Meanwhile, the resentment grows to unbearable proportions …
Where is ‘LOVE’ in such a relationship? Almost locked away, hidden from sight bar a few, random, unsuspecting moments when one’s guard is down.
The thing is, contrary to what we have been taught and conditioned to believe, we do NOT need to learn to love. We do NOT need to make an effort to love. LOVE – that which we naturally are – can neither be learned nor mastered or ‘efforted’. It can only be ALLOWED. And you allow it by tuning in to it, by aligning with it, by being AWARE of what is NOT love. And if you seriously attempt to do this, you will discover that much of what we have been taught is love IS NOT.
But, being conditioned in our beliefs about love, we await or seek that ‘special’ person who will ‘tick the boxes’ and in whom we will make our investment, throwing into it every bit of our ‘life savings’ – our freedoms, our exclusivity, our dreams, our aspirations, our money, our livelihood, our willingness to procreate. The enormity of this investment is staggering BUT we’re prepared to risk it for we have ‘FOUND LOVE’.
No, you haven’t. You may have experienced love, you may have fallen in it, and we do for those heady moments of ecstasy and bliss are indeed love itself. But if you think you have FOUND IT IN SOMEONE ELSE and can forever more lay claim to it, possess it and demand it or expect it in order to feed your neediness, fulfill your attachments, and help you deal with your perceived imperfections, well, dear James (and reader), pay attention:
You might be thus serviced by the other’s mutual neediness, attachments and imperfections, but it will not be love and it won’t be for long. These things have very limited shelf lives in terms of their ability to ‘give’ and that is what it will feel like – giving. And taking. Neither of which is love.
So, James, now you know why I am not ‘waiting’ for a relationship and not ‘seeking’ one either. Now you know why I am happy and how I can enjoy all my relationships. But, by golly, if I should bump into someone with a matching frequency, I’ll be ready to have even more fun and express even more joy!
I understand that this wasn’t the answer you were hoping to get. I understand you wanted an answer that more closely matched what you currently believe and understand from your experiences thus far.
But, James, if you make it your purpose in life to become more SELF-AWARE, to align with who and what you truly are, then, instead of withholding the natural joy and excitement and thrill and enthusiasm and kindness and caring and generosity and power that you already are until your find the ‘right person’ (whether you wait for her or use a scatter gun approach), you’ll feel wonderfully happy and fulfilled. Isn’t that what you want ultimately? (Or are you enslaved by an idea that you can only be happy and fulfilled in an exclusive relationship?) And if and when she does turn up, you’ll be so ready, as will she :).
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